


Underneath

by PrettyKitty93



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, John in Denial About His Sexuality, Lonliness, M/M, Sadness, outcast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 15:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1045733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyKitty93/pseuds/PrettyKitty93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock has always been the outcast because of his intelligence.<br/>And after he meets Doctor John Watson, he constantly wants to impress him.<br/>But Sherlock wants more, he's falling in love with his best friend and just wants him to feel the same.<br/>Can John love Sherlock back?<br/>x..x<br/>Sherlock's POV of how the world and most importantly, how John sees Sherlock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Could Anybody Love A Freak?

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Adam Lambert's song of the same name. Not exactly a song fic but more based on one. Listen to it and you'll know what I mean xxxx

"Freak" Donovan whispered to me as I've just figured out this straight-forward case.

I always wonder why she feels so threatened by my intellect and deduction skills. Just because she isn't as smart as me. Well that must be it, jealousy, she's jealous of my brains. 

Why is John giving me that look?

"Sherlock! Sherlock!"

"Yes, John?"

"Donovan just called you a freak and then you zoned out."

"John, do I really care what Donovan thinks?"

Why did I just lie to John, but why do I care what Donovan thinks? It's not like she's important, not like John.

"Come on, let's go."

"Excuse me, John."

"Sherlock."

"Wow, never thought I'd see Sherlock whipped." Lestrade muttered to himself with a slight smirk.

x..x

"Don't ever do that again, John."

I'd tried to bite my tongue long enough, I'm not some dog.

"Do what, Sherlock?"

Does he really not know, is he really that stupid?

"Call me, like some ... dog."

"You mean like you do with me!" John shouts, slamming his hand on the table, he seems angry.

"John?"

"What, Sherlock!"

"I'm ... sorry."

"It's just annoying me now ... I mean ... what?"

"I said, I'm ... sorry." Was that a whisper? What's going on with me?

"Oh."

John seems surprised. Do I treat him badly? Is this what it's all been building to? Have I always made him feel second best and just demanded that he gives me respect?

"Do you respect me, John?" I have to know.

"Of course I do, Sherlock," His features have softened and there's something in his eyes. "I just, I feel like you don't respect me in return." Now he looks sad.

"Of course I respect you too, John. I need you "

It's not a lie, I need him more than I've ever needed anyone before, more than my own brother.

I've never admitted it to him before though, well not as out right as that.

"Right, so why the big act then?"

"Excuse me?"

"All this bravado, this I'm so superior to you small-minded people. Have you ever thought why people don't like you, Sherlock? Well, it's this, all of it. And I've had it."

His voice is calm the whole time, too calm. He doesn't want an argument, but wants to tell me the truth.

I can feel something in my chest, I'm not sure what it is but it's painful and I don't like it.

"John, my chest hurts."

"Well, Sherlock, that could be guilt or it could be a bad Chinese ..."

"Sadness." I'm sad, John's words are true and it makes me lonely.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, um ..."

"No, John, you shouldn't feel guilt. You're right and I shouldn't make you feel that way."

"No, you shouldn't. But that's who you are and I've got to deal with it, don't I?"

"Do I always make you feel like this?"

"What, like I want to punch you? Yes, all the time. At least you're consistent, not like having a girlfriend." John smiles, and I feel myself smile back before I chuckle a little. He's laughing now, and so am I.

This is what I love about John; laughing at crime scenes, acting like children in front of Mycroft and annoying Mrs Hudson with the mess.

I love him? Can I love him? Could he love me? Well, he accepts me, he just said so. That's not love, that's barely friendship.

"Sherlock! Sherlock! Bloody ignorant!"

"Sorry, John, what did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted a brew and you ignored me."

"I was just thinking."

"Of course you were." I hear him mutter, he does that a lot.

"John, could anybody ... love me?"

"What?" He's stopped in his movements, just standing there thinking about my question. The two teas in his hands.

While he thinks, I want my tea.

"Bloody hell, Sherlock!"

I turn around and see his cup on the floor, hot liquid gathering at his feet. His hand is red and shaking.

"John."

"I'm fine, forget it." He replies before storming to the kitchen. There's a burning on my leg. My cup's smashed too, liquid pouring onto my chair. Ow. Ow.

"Sherlock, what's wrong?"

I'm in the kitchen, damp cloth on my leg, the burning subsiding now.

"Sherlock, are you okay?" His voice is concerned, he abandons the tea towel on his hand and sits me down at the cluttered table.

"Didn't you notice you'd burnt yourself?!"

"You were ... you'd ... no."

"What is wrong with you? You've ... changed. Not that it's bad but ..."

"Can you answer my question, John."

It should sound like a suggestion but it's more of a demand.

"I ... I don't know, Sherlock. It depends ..."

"Could you love me?"

"What? Sherlock, I'm not gay."

"John, you don't have to be homosexual to love me."

"Well then, as a friend I can love you but is that what you want?"

"I don't know. I've never been loved." It's a whisper because I don't usually pour out my thoughts like this, but with John it feels ... adequate.

"I'm sorry. I mean, I can't imagine ..." He's embarrassed, or lying. I'm not sure. One way to tell.

He's blushing and his heart rate has increased rapidly. Why did he pull his wrist out of my grasp so violently?

"Sherlock, I told you, I'm not gay!"

"What about exceptions?"

Ha, that's made him stop in his tracks. Can he just walk to his room, now?

"What?"

"Everybody has exceptions. Whether it's friends, hobbies, tendencies, so why not lovers?"

Damn my natural reactions, I must sound so ...


	2. The Boy Beneath The Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John sees the real Sherlock and has to make a decision about his feelings.  
> But can he love Sherlock more than just as a friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is John's POV now and then back to Sherlock's in the next chapter xxxxx

Wow, he sounds so, well almost ... innocent.

Could he be right, could I love him as something else?

I turn and look at him, his mask has dropped and for the first time I can see the real Sherlock. The man under the bravado; a glimpse at a lonely child, constantly ridiculed and bullied for being so smart, growing up isolating himself from the world that secluded him so long ago.

"Sherlock."

"Yes, John."

His eyes won't meet mine, probably out of shame. There's no need for him to be ashamed, it's not his fault.

What can I say to him, anything I could say would seem pointless.

Before I've even realised, I holding him close, quiet sobs into my shoulder that only I can hear.

"Sherlock, I'm sorry."

What am I sorry about? I'm so crap in these situations. Great, intimacy issues, Sherlock's probably already deduced that.

"Why are you sorry, John?" He finally looks at me with those sparkly blue eyes; they're so sad now.

"I guess I'm sorry that you've never really been loved, in that way ..."

"And you're sure you can't?"

"I ... I don't know, Sherlock."

"Could you try?"

He's so desperate, I don't want to say I love him just because he wants me to.

But then again do I love him?

"You're thinking too hard about this, John."

"I'm sorry, it's just difficult and you've put me in an awkward position."

"I'm sorry, John."

"Not to worry, Sherlock."

"Will you sit with me?"

"Of course."

Why did I hesitate, this is Sherlock.

Forget it, John. Just sit down.

What is with him and just curling up in my lap like this?

"Comfy?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Sarcasm, Sherlock."

"I deduced that much, John."

"Bloody hell."

Did he just, giggle? What the hell is wrong with him?

"Mm, curious."

"Excuse me?" Dammit, Sherlock, I'm trying to watch tv.

"You're playing with my hair."

"What?"

He's right, I look down and my hand is quite visibly in his hair. What am I doing?

But the content purr escaping his lips is soothing and almost, cute?

What is it about him; the cheekbones, the curls, his figure, his eyes, his smile ... John, stop!

"Your pulse has increased."

"Shut up, Sherlock. Unless you want to be on the floor."

"Would you join me?"

"What?!"

"You heard."

"Ow."

Ha, he thought I wouldn't, I wonder if he'll be quiet now.

"Sherlock! Ow!"

"So yes then."

"Sherlock, I didn't follow you, you pulled me off the couch."

"Isn't this more comfortable?"

"Awkward may be a better word."

"Don't be stupid, John. You kicked me."

"Excellent observation, Sherlock."

 


	3. Two Halves Of The Same Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John realises his feelings for Sherlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Sherlock's POV xxx

So that's how he wants to play it, right then.

"Sherlock ..."

Mm, he tastes ... interesting.

Why did he push me away? I can't face rejection again, not from John.

"Sherlock, didn't you even think to ask me before you decided to just lay one on me?"

"I just thought ..."

"No, Sherlock, you didn't."

"But, John ..."

"Sherlock, you can't just do that."

"Can I kiss you, again?"

"Well ..."

"You liked it. Your pulse said so."

"Dammit."

He's blushing, he didn't want to like it. Or he thought I hadn't noticed.

He's looking at me, our eyes have locked. Why isn't he saying anything?

Is he kissing me? He's hesitant, as if he doesn't know if he wants it.

"John?"

"I'm not gay, but I feel connected to you. As though we're two halves."

"We are. I need you, I meant that."

I could come to like this; John cuddled into my side, the comfortable weight half into my side and slightly on top of me, and the sweet snore leaving his lips.

I should move him back to his bed but I'm too comfy and he might not appreciate my invasion of his space.

"John."

Did he have to move so he was breathing warm air on my neck? It's more difficult to control certain _areas_ with John.

"John."

"Mm."

"Shouldn't you go to bed?"

"Soon."

"John."

I have to move him. What about the couch? Then I'm not invading his space but he'll be comfy.

I like cuddling John, he's different to army John. Not that I don't like him too.

I'll just lie here for a while before I start another experiment.

x..x

_Welcome to my world of truth_

_I don't wanna hide any part of me from you_

_I'm standing here with no apologies_

_Such a beautiful release, you inside of me._

**Underneath - Adam Lambert.**


End file.
